The Queen was shocked today by the discovery of a body outside her back door. Perfectly understandable, I’d be shocked too.
What’s more shocking is the fact that the corpse has been there for about three years and nobody noticed as they swept the cobblestones or picked the roses.
I suppose she has a bigger garden than I have and doesn’t have time to go round every day raking up the fallen leaves and removing the snails.
Why didn’t anyone notice?
Is it close to the rubbish bins? That would explain why the maids putting out the kitchen scraps had no idea.
After all, who could catch the waft of a decomposing body among the prawn shells, lobster tails, caviar cans and duck legs in the bin?
Or perhaps there’s a blacker explanation.
The body is that of Robert James Moore, an American obsessed by Queen Betty Battenberg, and who sent her hundreds of strange and offensive packages over a period of 15 years.
Some of the peculiar letters numbered over 600 pages and included obscene photographs. (We won’t go into those). Definitely not the sort of bloke you would encourage. A real pest.
Did a royal someone finally get sick and tired of his letters? Did Betty, one afternoon over her watercress sandwiches, mutter “Will no one rid me of this turbulent pest“?
Who can tell?
A tree-trimmer found the skeletal remains, surrounded by vodka bottles, as he was pruning.
The U.S. Embassy declined to comment because of privacy laws.
The Queen declined to comment because she can