Fat and Wealthy Monk Found


This happy snap is of Alexander Gauge who played Friar Tuck in the 1950s English television series, The Adventures of Robin Hood. (I can still sing the theme song). Fond as I am of the fat friar who ate a tad too much, it’s not Friar Tuck I want to talk about, but the skeleton […]

Harry is more than a Hoon


Harry has a bit of a PR problem. (It’s to do with the way he behaves). But now the papers are cooing over an imminent engagement and forgetting what a nasty little piece of work he is. The boy takes after his grandfather in many ways, and that shouldn’t be at all surprising. And his […]

Give me Google Glasses


Will we all look like this next year? Google is now showing off the augmented reality glasses project, “Project Glass” The glasses have some sort of connection by wireless, you can stay online, wired in all day, if you want to chat to people as you go about your business. I think that’s how they […]

Another Corpse at the Queen’s back door


It’s way past time that the Queen’s gardeners did a thorough clean up of the undergrowth around her backyard. In this case, the foliage around her weekend retreat at Sandringham. Sadly, the body of a teenage girl was found in an area popular for Royal pheasant and partridge shoots. To be fair, it wasn’t so […]

The Corpse in the Queen’s Copse


The Queen was shocked today by the discovery of a body outside her back door. Perfectly understandable, I’d be shocked too. What’s more shocking is the fact that the corpse has been there for about three years and nobody noticed as they swept the cobblestones or picked the roses. I suppose she has a bigger […]

The Ugly Sisters


It’s not like me to poke fun at a well-fed member of the younger generation, much less at two of them, but I must say I wasn’t at all surprised by these graceless lumps of girls in their tawdry finery. I bet their frumpy frocks cost a fortune I bet each dreadful dress was paid […]

No Invitation to the Royal Wedding


I hate to admit it but I would have liked an invitation to the Royal Wedding. I certainly would have enjoyed the opportunity to observe at first hand all the pomp, prejudice and prickery that goes on in that dysfunctional family. (Not to mention that it would have raised my status somewhat at the Bowls […]

Three Jesus Pizza


In another Holy World Tour gig, the face of Jesus has appeared on a three-cheese pizza made in Newfarm, Brisbane. Holey-Moley! And the image could have been yours if you made the highest bid on eBay. Someone is enjoying it anyway. It’s already proven a good luck charm. After discovering the image, the manager of […]

Beer brings you back from the dead


Personally I can go without XXXX beer for an indefinite amount of time, like twenty years, but I may revise my opinion. A couple of stubbies of the Queensland beer brought a horse back from the dead which, you must admit, seems to denote a valuable quality in the mix. Any brew which can give […]

Fred the Baboon gets the chop


When you see a sign saying Don’t Feed the Baboons, it means don’t feed the baboons, but there’s always some moron who reckons that the law doesn’t apply to him. Baboons are protected in South Africa. You can’t shoot them, but they really need protection from the intellectually-challenged tourists who think it’s jolly good fun […]

Lock up your livestock


Beryl, who goes to Bingo with me, firmly believes in the recent sightings of Blessed Virgin Mary, but she’s worried that her framed velvet Mary art and hot pink plastic rosaries won’t save her budgerigars from the Chupacabra. Granted, the reports of mysterious Goatsuckers in my neighbourhood are few and far between, but all the […]

Blame the genes


My Grandmother could stop a brewery horse dead in its tracks. The havoc this caused is a story for another day, I only mention it because, although Nanna was a fine figure of a woman and red-headed to boot, she had a nasty reptilian look about the eyes. Now my numerous cousins tell me that […]

Suspicious smiling


I’ve been thinking about the poor soldiers in the impenetrable forests of giant marijuana. No one has told their superiors that marijuana combats Alzheimers disease. The effects are only beneficial for older people, or so I’m told, and that explains the preponderance of smiling old ladies you see around such dense forests. THC, the psychoactive […]

Soldiers going potty in Afghanistan


I’m a bit worried about the soldiers. Apparently Canadian troops fighting in Afghanistan have encountered an unexpected and potent enemy — almost impenetrable forests of 10-feet-high marijuana plants. These forests are used as cover for both sides, soldiers slip in and out and armoured cars are camouflaged with giant plants. They tried burning the foliage […]

Naps are fashionionable these days

I’m sure I read about these little napping machines in a sci fi novel many years ago when I was young. But this is a real appliance for people who are too busy to go to bed. Or for people to sleep at work. Before you wonder why people would be encouraged to sleep at […]

More on alien abductions.

They are tiny. They are tall. They are gray. They are green. They survey our world with enormous glowing eyes. To conduct their shocking experiments, they creep in at night to carry humans off to their spaceships. It’s quite a disturbing trend these days. Back when I was young we had to make do with […]

Holy Relic on eBay

Do I seem cruel hearted to you? I had to ask my neighbour to remove a comment from my blog about the Virgin Mary on a Pool Stick. Some frenzied soul slapped down a scathing post accusing me of making fun of and being cruel to the ignorant innocent people who find these amazing apparitions […]

Virgin Mary on eBay

She’s turned up again. The BVM just can’t help herself from manifesting to awestruck mortals the world over. Not content with recreating her appearance in melted chocolate, potatoes and rancid fat, she has given the world a new face on a “pool stick”. I’m not sure what a pool stick is, but this one has […]

The truth about safety pins

Absolutely anything could be inside your kitchen drawers, I had a good look inside mine this morning. For 10 seconds. That was quite enough, thank you very much. I can live with the mothballs and the old cat collars, but it’s the safety pins that concern me. I have a theory about the safety pins […]

Not cotton-picking fingernails

How do you stop chewing your fingernails, overeating, smoking, and picking your nose? My renter, Ghost Works, has a whole heap of people with questions of this nature. In the case of Lee Redmond, nail-biting should be actively encouraged. If I had nails like that I wouldn’t be announcing it to the world. It seems […]

By the light of the Moon

So it’s all official now. The Moon drives us mad. I could have told them years ago. Forget the romance, string orchestras and soft moonlight. My dear departed always went a trifle dippy at the Full Moon. I used to keep a small amount of a cash in a vase to bail him out from […]

The Weeping Madonna from Bangkok


Devout Catholic Patty Powell picked up a fibreglass statue while passing through Bangkok, took it home, stuck it on a shelf and then forgot about it. But, in the middle of a hearty Spring Clean, he discovered a miracle. The statue was crying. Patty, to give him due credit, immediately realised he was witnessing the […]

She’s back!

The much-travelled Blessed Virgin Mary, fondly known as the BVM in my schooldays, has returned to bring a little light into the otherwise dreary lives of otherwise dreary ordinary people. This time she’s appeared in the fat, grease and grunge at the bottom of a George Foreman Grill. John Milanos was grilling a hamburger when […]

More Manifesting Miracles

Readers are so kind. It gives me a small ray of hope for the future of the world. Take, for example, the generous actions of Beep Beep, who is diagonally parked in a parallel universe which must be disconcerting for her. Beep Beep has been collecting the manifestations of the B.V.M. and was kind enough […]

… And not a drop to drink


It’s time we started taking notice of a grave threat to the environment. The consumption of bottled water in this country has grown in the past 25 years from less than a million bottles a year to more than a billion per annum. It’s estimated that about one-fifth of these bottles are thrown away with […]

Virgin Mary in my kitchen

I noticed this morning that I have two old kitchen towels hanging on the door of my oven which often resemble the Virgin Mary. (The towels, not the oven) If I crouch down and look sideways with one eye shut and slowly scrunch my neck, I can even see a Bleeding Heart of Jesus. Or […]

Chocolate BVM

For those who asked about the chocolate BVM, it’s all true. Here’s an account of the Virgin Mary manifesting in a chocolate drop Kitchen worker Cruz Jacinto was the first to spot the lump of melted chocolate when she began her shift by cleaning up drippings that had accumulated under a large vat of dark […]

Blessed Virgin Mary Sightings again

I haven’t given a thought to the B.V.M for more than 50 years, but obviously a lot of people never grew out of their invisible- friend phase and Mary has been popping up all over the place. In recent years the B.V.M has been spotted on a ham sandwich, markings on the wall of a […]

Mysterious Things

The Yowies are making pests of themselves again. Yowie expert Paul Compton says that Yowies are lurking in the Clarence Valley National Park I’ll have to ask my Council Home help girl where the Clarence Valley actually is — so that I can avoid it. I met a Yowie once, years back. It was in […]